"Happy" New Year 2013

I have to say that this may not be like any New Year’s post you have ever read; especially when it starts with a word like indifference. It’s a very scary word to me. I have learned over the years that it is the opposite of love and really stands for a state of being where no feelings (good or bad) exist. You simply do not care.  

Transparency time: For whatever reason, this is the way that I have felt about the flipping of the calendar from 2012 to 2013. Judging by all the wide-eyed, hope-filled posts on face book, I am kinda feeling alone in this. Not even sure how I got to this place.

As I think back over 2012, there are certain memories that I will hold close forever (new friends, ordination, new car, a new sense of God’s manifest presence in our worship, tons of folks coming to Jesus, bunches of baptisms and new starts).  And then there were the moments that I wish I could forget - but for the life of me, I cannot: shooters where they should never have been, innocence lost, broken hearts over lost friends, etc.

Maybe this is what did it.  For the first time in what seemed like a long time my emotions were taken on a serious roller-coaster ride and this feeling of apathy is a defense mechanism to keep me from all of those ups and downs; to keep me from expecting too much from life and friends and family and experiencing disappointment or hurt when the roller coaster gets too much to handle the centrifugal force of the constant twists and turns threaten to throw me off track. You know there is only so long you can ride that type of roller coaster without feeling the repercussions.  Even the good stuff had their proverbial let-down afterward. You know that moment after the event of a lifetime where you ask yourself, “now what?”.

Well, I think I am feeling the results of all of that, but just as we all are prone to do, we still go through the motions for the benefit of others or even to try and prove something to ourselves. So that is what I did…The family went out with friends last night for dinner and it was wonderful. I sat at a table that was full of hopeful musings and I was genuinely excited for all of it, but after dinner we parted ways and we came home and I told my lovely wife that I was in “a” mood. (she thought I said I was in “the” mood, wink, wink) I clarified that I was in “a” mood or funk and just could not get excited or emotional about “another year”.

So, we kissed Happy New Year and went to bed. I laid there for quite some time (think until 2 AM) before I was able to fall asleep. Then today when I woke up, I found my kids were playing in their rooms and my wife looking through some pictures, so I decided to join her…there were countless pictures of our children, our wedding, and family, friends, vacations, our first apartment, our first house, and then it began to hit me…all of these hopes and dreams of yesteryears and all of them were gifts from God.  Many of them, I never asked for or dared dream of, and yet there they were for me to see. 

For so many people entering a new year, they say the power and hopefulness lies in leaving the past behind them.  (I agree that  there are most definitely things from this past year and others that I would never want to re-live.)  But this morning I found that there was something powerful , rejuvenating, and hope-giving, about re-viewing those unexpected wonders that were all gifts from God.

It made me think twice about the hand of God that has been on my life and that of my family and to begin to look expectantly at the future and know that even though I do not have a list of expectations for the new year that I can check off as they occur, I know that God will be at work and that He has countless blessings, gifts, and lessons for this year and beyond. The indifference melted away with every picture of the past.

So, maybe you have read this, and think, “what a downer of a post.” But maybe, just maybe, you too have fallen in the trap of the same-old, same-old cycle of expectation, resolution, failure and then disappointment.  If you find yourself there, we are kindred spirits.

According to the book of James (1:17 to be exact) every good and perfect gift comes to us from above, coming down from the Father of Lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

That says to me that for every image captured of God’s goodness from the past, there will be just as many in the future. I may not know what they are and even realize that I am looking forward to them, but my God loves me enough to continue to show me why indifference is the work of the enemy and that apathy has no place for a child of the King; whose love is so great that even when we are not looking for a blessing or waiting for Him to fulfill promises, He is at work for our good. 
I encourage you to dig out those albums (digital or otherwise) and begin to look for the hand of God in all of the pictures. Some will show you His favor, some will show you His healing, some will show you old wounds that need healing, and others will show you His hand of leading and correction. But it’s all a blessing…some disguised, but always a gift, just look for it. For nothing is wasted in God’s economy;

every experience, every success, every failure

- He can use it all for His glory and to remind You that He is with you.

Because of the faithfulness and unchanging ways of God, it will be; once again, a Happy New Year!